intimacy the 8 letter word
You know in “Pretty Woman” – the one scene where Julia Roberts’ and Richard Gere’s characters are lying in bed and she tells him that even though she’s a hooker, she won’t kiss on the lips because she thinks it’s too intimate? Like many other prepubescent girls who watched the movie at the time, I said “Whoa, that’s so deep” but really I was thinking, “How the fuck does that make sense?” Kissing was just pressing your lips on someone else’s lips. I mean, how could SEX – the very act of being totally naked and humping another totally naked person not mean as much as kissing someone on their lips? Please bear in mind that at the time, my only foray into the romance arena with boys was reading Sweet Valley High novels and watching the Brenda-Dylan-Kelly love triangle every Wednesday evening.
Then of course, many years and chick flicks later, I actually did kiss a few boys, even humped a few of them on occasion, and did a whole whack load of other activities in between. Especially during my whole “discovering yourself/slutting it out” phase back in college. Some men I barely cared to have them touch me, especially after the sex part. Yet, there were others I may have only just kissed and held hands with, but with whom I felt a greater sense of intimacy.
My boyfriend and I enjoy a great sex life, but we always make time once in a while to just kiss each other without having it lead to the bed. I kiss him, not just a little smack on the lips, but a slow meaningful one. I take his face in my hands, bring him in close and kiss him, feeling his lips press up against mine.
It actually finally makes sense – the whole intimacy issue that Julia Roberts was rambling on about. When you and another person have sex, just raw sex, you don’t need to necessarily see the other person, or even know their names or have a good recollection of their face. Down on all fours, you close your eyes and just enjoy the ride. It’s easy to forget or ignore that the other person you’re involved with is actually someone with real feelings and real things happening to them in their own lives. It’s easy just to keep sex as a selfish act – or even a disconnected and distant act. You can just shut off your mind and lie there like a fish. It’s not sexy – fish and sex are never sexy together - but then again, some people don’t require that your pleasure be part of the process.
The act of kissing on the lips however, entails a face-to-face interaction. And I mean real kissing, where the focus is on the act of kissing, not just kissing while he has his left hand cupping your VerySexy pushup bra and you have your hands undoing his fly. It’s when you’re kissing – and only kissing. And it’s quite the personal act because it means actually coming up to someone’s face, getting into their space and looking at them. It means actually being vulnerable; it means being confronted; it means you can’t ignore that other person by just closing your eyes and indulging in the pleasure of what’s happening down below. It’s quite the experience.
So does this mean that I find sex devoid of intimacy? I do find intimacy in sex, but I find a lot of it also in the stuff that happens before and after sex. For instance, I find that for me, oral sex is much more up close and personal than straight up sex. Those lips are reserved for the special few I actually trusted enough and felt comfortable enough with. Fucking face, rather than fucking dick, is the ultimate level of vulnerability – especially with all the negative connotations surrounding the pussy that girls have had to grow up with. Everything from the smell factor to how large or small the lips should look to the new expected standard that all pussies, regardless of whether or not you’re done with puberty, should be bald. It is no wonder that a lot of girls feel insecure about their vagina. Unlike men and their dicks, we haven’t had huge shrines erected around the world celebrating our genitalia. (Hello, Washington Monument and Eiffel Tower!) So when I let a guy actually have a look, a really good look and a taste, a full on taste with tongue, I am trusting him not to be turned off and turn away. A lot of women see receiving oral sex as a position of power. While I find this to be true, I also believe it to be a position which surrenders a lot of power. After all, you can’t control the situation, as you’re not the one controlling the action.
I also find intimacy in being close with each other after sex, cuddling up to the other person, feeling their weight and heat up against me as we both drift off to sleep. I’m letting them stay with me even though I’d probably be more comfortable in the bed by myself. After all, I could really use a shower, he’s on my side of the bed, and my bottom arm isn’t comfortable cramped up between me and his ribcage. Besides, I’m hungry and could really go for some of that leftover pizza in the fridge from last night. But I’ll let him sleep, and I’ll let myself relax and let it all go. And if my man was truly on an intimate level with me, he’d realize and get up while I was sleeping to go fetch me some of the pizza as he comes back from his midnight pee.
