you don't know me!
June is a great time of year. Or at least, if the weather is nice, it is. I like nice weather. I hate crappy weather. In fact, crappy weather makes me rather moody and grumpy. So I think that nice weather makes people like me more too. And who doesn’t like when people like them?
There are no long weekends in June. I have no holidays planned for June. In fact, I can’t even really believe June is here already. That means that when this month is over, the year will be halfway done. And then we’ll be halfway to 2008. Time flies when one is Sober and Happy. Weird. But I like it.
I’ve been assaulted by my Past lately. I’ve heard people talk about being haunted by things that they’ve done, but I have always prided myself as one of those very cool people who have no regrets so those things just don’t matter. Apparently, sometimes it matters even to the very cool people. Or maybe I’m just not so very cool after all.
I have made a lot of mistakes. I have done things that I am not proud of. I can say that I was drunk for a lot of it, and I had a huge lack of judgment, but even still, I knew what I was doing at the time even if I don’t remember it today. I accept that I have a colorful history. At least I can say that I have lived and I took risks, and while I did do a few stupid things, at least I had a good time!
But the thing is, in a lot of ways I’m just not that person anymore. I’m Sober now. I’ve grown up a lot. I’ve matured (I hope). There are things that I did then that I would not do now. Like go out wearing almost nothing. That’s just scandalous. And so on a random night out, when someone approaches me and asks me if I used to be the girl who wore bikini tops in public places, I say, “No, you must have me confused with someone else.” I feel like crap afterwards because it’s a lie, and they know I’m lying, and I know I’m lying, and they probably know that I know that they know, and everyone feels pretty crappy. I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything nice to say to the strangers, much less the strangers who think they know me. That freaks me out. Sadly, Sober me just isn’t as nice as Drunk me used to be.
But all the same, I just don’t know what to do or say when strangers talk to me.
I guess because of the fact that I have a place to air all of my thoughts – a place that anyone can see – I shouldn’t be lying and freaked out. I should accept that this is the position that I have put myself in. I let people know me. Little bits and pieces of me. And the thing is, when I write, everything that I feel and think is there, exposed to the world. I can hope that most people can’t read between the lines and see it all, but as writing is just an extension of myself, the truth is, every time I write something I lay myself bare.
So if you are one of those random strangers who thinks you know me, do me a favor and don’t tell me that. I like to believe that the past is right where I left it – behind me.
